


Does It Hurt?

by zeeyaa



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Big angst, Depression? Suicidal thoughts?, Gen, I don't know what to tag this as, Sad Peter B. Paker, Well it's a bit of a downer au, because that's always fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-05-28 07:48:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19389697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeeyaa/pseuds/zeeyaa
Summary: Based on a drawing by sir_scandalous on Instagram.(Also they describe it as an Infected AU but I didn't know if that meant it would be like a Venom situation or just,,,,some bioweapon condition, so I went for the third option that I won't say up here)





	1. Chapter One

There was a time when Peter Parker thought losing the love of his life was the most painful thing in the world.

Peter was always better at handling physical pain better than mental pain—after all, years of being Spider-Man has honed his body to take any hit and come out on top. So believe him when he thought that signing the divorce papers was going to be the end of him. His heart crumpled up like crushed paper—with sharp edges yet a soft texture, easily thrown away like trash. It hurt more than the Rhino's punches and hung over his shoulders with the constant weight of two tons of building rubble. And sometimes he'd feel a lot better about himself and think he'd gotten over it. But then he'd see MJ in the street or a cafe and he would relive the experience.

He did get better, eventually. It took him many years of feeling sorry for himself and a single trip to an alternate universe to get him back to where he was before the divorce. He followed Miles's advice. He donned a suit—a real suit, anyway—and bought a bouquet of flowers. He knocked on her door. They reconciled, and though Peter knew it wasn't going to be perfect and back to the way things were, he was okay with that.

And after his trip to Miles's universe, things were really picking up for his Spider-Man career—not that it was a career he could get paid for. He fought crime in New York like he did in the old days. Newspapers and TV stations were buzzing alive at the sudden appearances of Spider-Man ("Is this a copycat or the actual Spider-Man?" "He must be really old"). People would ask to take selfies with him while he grabbed coffee in his suit, or ask him to sign their phone cases when he was patrolling Queens.

But it's crazy how much progress you can make, only to have it come crashing down around you. Suffocating you.

Peter's waiting in his Spider-Man costume when the portal opens in his apartment room. It's not a scary surprise anymore. In fact, they've been having get-togethers monthly, ever since Peni Parker cracked the secret to safe multiverse traveling. He pulls on his mask and lets himself be sucked into the portal, antsy to see the gang again. A lot of things have been going great in his life recently, and he's so proud of his progress that he can't wait to tell them—especially Miles.

This month, they're meeting up in Miles's universe. The trip to the universe hasn't changed a bit—Peni says that it's supposed to be natural, but Peter still doesn't trust that. It's so disorienting as his body is pulled in a million different directions, when he's floating in a galaxy of geometric shapes and colors. Suddenly he's whisked into the right universe, because he finds himself enclosed in blue light, almost like a bullet. His momentum picks up, and he's flying into Miles's universe. The Spider-Cave is the first thing he sees—shit, it's the floor that he sees first, because he's hurdling towards it. Before he gets within fifteen feet of it the light surrounding him disappears and he's left without the previous momentum, briefly stuck in the air. He falls a second later, butt first, into the floor of the cave. He barely registers the pain as someone tries to stifle their laugh.

"Ouch," Gwen says. He can hear the smile in her voice. "That looked like it hurt."

"Thanks, Gwen," Peter mumbles.

"Hey, man," Miles's voice says.

"Hey, kid," Peter says, pushing himself up. His butt hurts a little, but he pushes himself up and takes off the mask. "I'm not late, right?" He looks around. It's been about seven months since he's been in the Spider-Cave, much less Miles's universe. It's changed a lot. On the suit display, Miles's black and red suit in the center. The previous Peter Parker's suits were placed more to the side, but not entirely out of sight. (Peter noticed the suit with the cape was distinctly next to Miles's, though.) There were stickers and drawings scattered throughout the floor, all works of Miles. On one of the desks nearby, there were academic textbooks stacked up precariously over two small web shooters.

"It's just the three of us so far," Gwen says, shrugging. "Peni _did_ say she was going to be late."

"I don't remember that," Miles says, frowning.

"Well, she told me," Gwen says, smiling. "She's got a surprise for us."

"I don't generally like surprises," Peter points out. "They're usually ill-intentioned. Where's Porky Pig?"

"Porky?" Miles asks, confused. "What's that?"

"It's a cartoon pig," Gwen explains. "He's a character in my universe, too. I watched Tuney Loons as a kid."

"Tuney Loons?" Peter says. The name sounds so off and stupid that he just has to laugh. "On my world it's called Looney Tunes. Do you guys at least have the Road Runner?"

"Yeah," Gwen says, and she's getting into the conversation with a sudden eagerness. Peter and Gwen formed their relationship around discussing the differences in their respective universes, which formed when Gwen mentioned who the Zodiac Killer is. Sometimes Peter thinks the reason they get along so well is because he looks just like her old friend from her world, but the thought always disappears. "The Road Runner and the Fox! What's that on your earth?"

"Road Runner and the Coyote," Peter says. "What's the fox character all about?"

Miles clears his throat. Gwen closes her mouth, half-embarrassed.

"Right," Peter says. "So where's the other two?"

"Dunno, we didn't hear anything," Miles says, frowning. "Maybe the portal was a little late today."

"But it's never late," Gwen says, a little suspicious. "Why the delay?"

Then, Peter senses it before he hears it. He's the first one to recognize something's off—years of being Spider-Man have honed his Spidey senses more than he can say for Gwen or Miles. It's an unsettling feeling, though a familiar one, and he manages to turn his head up at the high ceiling just as a tentacle slams into his chest, pinning him to the ground. Gwen and Miles immediately pull their masks on—Peter's glad they have priorities—and glance up.

"Hey, Peter," Doc Ock says sweetly, dropping down from the elevator. Her tentacle isn't choking him to death, but it's been keeping a firm grip on him. He figures he shouldn't rush to the fighting so quickly. After all, there are more pressing things to address, like how Doc Ock managed to even infiltrate the Spider lair. "It's been a while."

"Oh, hey," Peter says from the floor. "This is a nice reunion. You know, we can have a nice chat without the whole fighting thing."

"Peter," Gwen warns, balling her fists in front of her. Her fingers are twitching, ready to shoot webs from her shooter.

"Your friend and I both know there's no way that'll happen," Doc Ock says. She laughs. "Not that i wanted it, anyway. I'm here to finish what I started."

Peter's arm jerks from beneath the tentacle and shoots a web to his right. It catches something just as he feels the tentacle beginning to squeeze, and he zips out from under it and towards safety. Miles and Gwen immediately cover him, spraying webs at her face and other three robotic tentacles, but Doc Ock leans her head to the side and the webs fly past her face and splat into the wall. Miles's web grabs a picture frame from the table and chucks it at her. She grabs the frame, all her focus on him, and Gwen launches herself at the lady, planting a graceful kick in her face. Doc Ock stumbles for a second. Peter wastes no time, shooting webs to hold two of her tentacles to the floor. Doc Ock tugs, struggling to pry them free. Miles runs at her and socks her in the jaw, then Gwen with another kick to her stomach, and finally Peter with a left hook. The force of the blows send the scientist back, webs uprooting themselves in the process as her body slides to a stop. The three Spider-people look at each other with something like recognition in their eyes. They haven't done a combo like that since the super-collider battle.

"We need to do that more often!" Miles says.

"Totally, but let's not talk about that now," Gwen says, watching Doc Ock get up. Her eyes are burning with rage. Peter thought that if she didn't look a little deranged before, then she's definitely full psycho now. Her bun is lopsided, loose hairs spilling in front of her eyes. Her posture is crouched, like a cat ready to pounce.

"My turn," Doc Ock hisses.

She uses her tentacles to propel herself forward. The three of them anticipate it and scatter in different directions—Peter goes left and Miles goes right. Gwen, always the bold fighter, leaps at Doc Ock and falls into a dive at the last second, sliding under her body just as Doc Ock's two tentacles reach forward to where Gwen previously stood. Gwen slides up out of the dive and fires a thick string of webbing into Doc's back. It makes a satisfying THWIP!

"Pete!" Gwen calls, grabbing the web. She yanks it in his direction for a power punch, except Doc Ock's third tentacle reaches behind her and grabs the web. It yanks it viciously towards her, and Gwen is flung through the air like a rag doll. Peter runs closer only for Doc to clothesline her in the neck, sending her to the ground. She yelps, trying to detatch the web, but Doc uses it again and swings her back into the air—the web finally snapping—towards Miles.

Miles manages to move out of the way enough that Gwen barely clips his shoulder, though it still sends her into the wall with a loud thud. She doesn't get up, which makes Miles look back at her in concern.

"Spider-Man!" Peter shouts, because he doesn't want to blow Miles's identity, but he sees the tentacle already hurtling at Miles—it's an intent to kill. Peter's mind blanks for a second, overwhelmed with panic, but his instincts manage to kick in. He shoots a web onto one of Doc's walking tentacles and swings himself around like a discus, intercepting the tentacle before it reaches Miles's face. The momentum sends him and the tentacle veering towards the left for a second. In the next, Doc Ock regains the control over it and instantly throws Peter high up into the air, breathless.

"Peter!" Miles exclaims. He dodges and vaults over Doc Ock's tentacles until he reaches her, but when he pulls his arm back to clock her, a tentacle reaches up behind him and grips his wrist. "What?" he demands, trying to wriggle his hand free. She's one step ahead of him because the tentacle's claws pry onto the web shooter and rip it off his wrist, crushing it. As Peter thwips back to solid ground, he sees Miles's body smash into the Spider-Man suit display, glass shattering around him like ice.

Two of his friends are down. There's nobody else around, he thinks. Except for Aunt May.

His heart skips a beat. He couldn't remember if Miles said anything about Aunt May when they were arranging their meet up. She could have just skipped town for the day, right? Or maybe, he thinks grimly, May was the first one to incur Doc Ock's wrath. After all, Aunt May would never let Doc into the lair willingly. The thought makes his stomach churn.

"Thinking about May, huh?" Doc Ock wonders. "That's sweet. Don't worry, I didn't see her on my way here—and it's not like I've got a thing against her at all."

"Oh, you've got morals," Peter says, his blood pumping faster. He can't help but notice that Gwen still hasn't got up.

"It's a gray area," Doc Ock explains with a fake smile. "But you—"

A tentacle slams into Peter's neck before he can register it with his Spidey sense. Maybe some things were too unpredictable for him, too. Another limb wraps around his torso and forces him to his knees, keeping him still. It brings him back to when he first met Doc Ock—she had him strapped to a chair, eagerly waiting for him to die of his glitching with a scary enthusiasm. Now, he doesn't think the situation is really any different, except two of his teammates and best friends are unmoving in the same room. Somehow, that remains his bigger concern.

"Peter Parker," she coos. Doc Ock lowers herself to ground level until her tentacles are no longer supporting her. She steps forward and cups his cheek tenderly—the way this Earth's Aunt May did when he met her. It was so full of love with May, but Olivia Octavius's touch is full of poison, filled with dark intentions. He feels like a rat before its dissected. "Well, not _this_ world's Peter Parker. I didn't think I could meet a bigger nuisance than that one, but you truly are a miracle."

"I've heard...similar things," Peter states, trying to take an even breath despite one of her tentacles pressing against his windpipe. He tries to blurt another quip, but he's used too much air for talking.

"I can't tell you how long I've waited for this moment," Doc Ock continues. "Ever since I got out of the super collider explosion, I have been saving my revenge." Her hand reaches into her pocket and brings out a syringe filled to the brim with liquid. Peter's eyes flick to it like a magnet. The liquid looks like black pen ink, but he knows better than that.

"You wouldn't...give me _ink poisoning_...?" Peter rasps. He moves his shoulder to check how much he can move his arm, and by extension, wrist. The tentacle pulls tighter, sensing his restraint. He can't even move his wrist to fire a web anywhere but directly into the ground, which doesn't help anyone.

"Oh, this? No, _definitely_ not ink," Doc Ock agrees, flicking it. A drop of pitch black liquid falls to the ground, sizzling. "It's actually...ah, you know what? Why don't I just show you?"

Peter has no time to brace himself. Doc Ock plunges the syringe deep into his abdomen, right above his left rib, and presses the plunger hard until the liquid drains into his body. Peter isn't a needle-fearing type of person, but she's so forceful with the way it stabs into him that he can't help but gasp. His body responds quickly, limbs flailing and shaking from the pain. His muscles feel like they're contracting, and God did he hate cramps.

"Oh, that was just the start, Peter," Doc Ock tells him. She lifts him a little higher, and his vision blurs for a second. He feels groggy, lightheaded. "Give it a moment to really _kick_ in."

The scary thing is that he can feel the strange substance flowing throughout his system, the way he can drink water and feel it flow down into his stomach. Except this stuff burns. Really burns. It's like downing twenty tequila shots at once. It reaches to his toes and pricks every nerve cell he has. This time, his scream grows louder, and it's a wonder that Gwen or Miles haven't stirred because of it. The serum begins to make its way back up his body, reaching his legs. It's like there are hot knives stabbing into him—he can feel every rip in his flesh and practically smell the blood pouring out of him. But it's not blood that he feels.

His head has stayed completely still throughout all of this, but through his blurry vision, he can see something dark below him forming. It looks like a wave of ink seeping up his body, like he's being submerged in it. And every time the liquid brushes against untouched skin, there's the searing, hot stabs of pain, sharp and fresh. Peter splutters and forces himself to bite his tongue, but his screams always escape. It's agony.

As the darkness creeps up to his chest, Doc Ock begins to giggle like a child, but he can barely hear her over the rush of blood in his ears. His heart starts pounding like a drum beat off-rhythm. He cringes and tries to move his body, even his fingers, but the tentacles around him aren't even holding him in place anymore. He's paralyzed into his spot. He's drowning now, he can feel it. The liquid's filling up in his lungs, searing his heart.

The mad scientist tilts his chin up towards her. He can't even force his eyes to flit away from her. Doc Ock's grin reaches her ears, sadistic and cruel.

"...Please...help..." Peter gasps weakly. He doesn't even know who he's talking to. His mouth remains open, too tired to close. 

She pouts at him. "Awh, Peter. Does it hurt?" Tears slip out of his eyes, but she brushes them away carelessly. "It's okay. It'll only hurt for a few more hours, and then you'll be dead. But you're gonna love what it'll do to you in a sec."

Just as she says that, the darkness envelops his eyes like a blanket. The dark wave travels up into his ear and reaches his head, and suddenly his brain feels like it's about to explode. His forehead pounds, worse than any migraine he's ever felt. It almost makes him want to swallow a bottle of AdVil, because an overdose would put him out of his misery. His hearing is there one second, and the next it completely cuts out everything. He can't hear anything at all.

"Help," Peter chokes out, desperate. He's not sure if actually says it aloud. But then in front of him, a woman emerges from the darkness, looking down at him with a disappointed expression.

"Oh, it's _Pete_ ," MJ says. "Look what the cat dragged in."

"MJ," he manages to say. "Please..." He wants to move towards her, but he's stuck.

"You're disgusting, Parker," MJ says, this time with much more distaste. "I can't believe you would ever think things would be okay between us. You _left_ me. You are the reason we got the divorce."

Peter flinches at the words. He can't stand looking into MJ's eyes and seeing anger directed at him. He tries to convince himself it's not his fault. He tries to remember how they reconciled after he met Mil...after he met...M... Maybe it is his fault. "...help...MJ..."

"No," MJ snaps. "You made your bed, so lie in it. We could've had everything, but you just wanted to think about yourself, like always. You couldn't even give up being Spider-Man over our relationship. Didn't you think about our safety, too?" She pauses, letting each word sink into Peter's mind. "Well, you're no hero, Parker. And you're certainly no good husband."

Peter breaks. He lets out a sob and his body finally moves again, but he collapses forward onto his stomach, every fiber of his being in excruciating pain. His chest feels tight, his breath running wild. He can't convince himself that this isn't real. All of the guilt he's been repressing from his divorce with MJ comes crashing down around him. He didn't want kids. He didn't want to lose being Spider-Man. He's lost something more important than his superhero reputation. And it's entirely his fault, he realizes.

"MJ, please! I'm sorry...!" Peter cries out, raising his head. She's already turning her back on him and walking back into the darkness. "Please...come back."

Another figure walks towards him again. He thinks it's MJ back again, but it's an older woman, with gray hairs and a wise face. His face drops. Aunt May.

"Oh, Peter," she says softly. "Why couldn't you just be my nephew?" She sighs. "Look at the state of you. You just had to be Spider-Man."

"Aunt May," Peter says, so quiet it's not even a whisper. His heart sinks into his shoes. He knows exactly what she's going to say next.

"You let me die," Aunt May says. "I called out for you, but you weren't there for me. I thought Spider-Man was supposed to save people?"

"I—" Peter chokes on his tongue. The words don't hurt any less, even if he expects them. The guilt is devouring him whole. Even the pain of his chest begins to amplify, as if it's connected. He forces himself to get up, but his knees wobble from the effort. His hands shake, and he has to waste his breath before he speaks so it doesn't catch. "I'm so sorry, Aunt May! I promise you, I-I—"

"Tried?" Aunt May finishes. "I've heard it all, Peter. "

"No...!" he shouts, hysterical. He makes a run towards Aunt May, arm extended, but she disappears before he can latch onto her and ends up falling over himself. The pain overtakes him once again, and he can feel the darkness spreading up his toes. This time, he doesn't fight it. It's not that he is physically incapable of fighting. He doesn't believe he should. He knows that he deserves everything he's feeling right now, and so he lets the darkness spread up his legs, his chest. He doesn't squirm when his chest crushes him, when his lungs begin to collapse, or when his heart tenses. And when the darkness finally makes its way to his chin, he closes his eyes. He's so tired, and he doesn't need the serum to do it for him.


	2. Chapter Two

He wakes up on a cot.

Peter's not aware of his surroundings, but he knows that he's definitely on a cot, because his heels are resting on a metal bar, and the mattress is thin and barely keeping him supported, like a hammock. His eyes are still closed, but he can hear things, like distant chatter. Peter is numb. Maybe he's dead, he thinks, feeling slightly relieved. But being dead hurts. So maybe he's alive. But that doesn't make sense, either, because last he checked, he was dying. So why isn't he dead?

"Hey, I think I just saw him move," someone says in a low tone. "Pete?"

He tries to open his mouth, but his throat is dry. He manages a soft grunt. "MJ...?" he asks, too groggy to recognize the voice. All he knows is that it's female, but only MJ calls him "Pete". Oh, MJ. Peter's stomach sinks.

There are footsteps approaching him, and they're so loud. It's like explosions going off in his head, which has been pounding like crazy ever since he became conscious. He just wants to go back to sleep, but these people won't let him. The footsteps come to a screeching halt at the foot of his cot. "Peter, how are you feeling?"

"I don't think he can hear you," someone else replies nervously. Peter recognizes the voice. It's Spider-Ham.

"Kid, you're gonna be all right," Spider-Noir's voice says. It sounds like Peter's, just gravelly and older. "You were just a little banged up, is all."

"A little?" Gwen questions.

"He's lucky we got here in time," Peni Parker says quietly. "I knew something was wrong with the portal. Imagine, if I were a second late..."

There's too much awkward silence for Peter to take. The air is heavy with depressing emotion, so he clears his throat and mumbles, "I can hear you all talking about me." His vocal chords are raw, probably from all his screaming. He wonders if any one of them heard him and his heartbeat quickens nervously. He doesn't want them to know about anything he went through in the past few hours.

"Kid really is all right," Noir says, sounding pleasantly surprised. Peter pries one of his eyes open to see the Spider-gang standing around his cot with relieved looks.

"He lives to see another day!" Spider-Ham says. "You _really_ made me cry last night!"

"Last night?" Peter wonders quietly. He inhales and feels his chest rattling. The worst of the pain is over, but it's still with him. Grunting, he moves to sit up in his seat slowly. "It's been a day...?"

"We were worried about the serum's effects in your body," Gwen says. She seems to be the only one who doesn't look excited to see him awake. Her frown is deep, but not out of place for the situation. "Peni managed to make some sort of antidote, but we thought...well, thank gosh it worked."

Oh. That somehow leaves a bad taste in Peter's mouth. "Thanks, Peni. Where's Doc Ock?"

"Don't worry, man, we got her," Miles says. He moves to clap Peter on the shoulder, but retracts his hand at the last second. "She's been turned over to the police. Peni, Noir, and Spider-Ham swooped in through a portal and managed to finish the fight."

"I dislocated my shoulder when I got thrown into the wall," Gwen says, adjusting her sling. She doesn't mention it, but there's a yellow bruise on her forehead, partly hidden by her blond hair.

"And I won't be going to the beach for a while," Miles says, indicating numerous cuts and scratches on his skin. Peter remembers watching Miles hit the glass displays. He turns and finds a dustpan filled with glass shards by the suit display. Miles's main suit is lying on a worktable to Peter's left, with black spools lined up beside it, ready for sewing. "But how are _you_ feeling, Peter? We don't really know what happened, but we found the syringe near your body..."

"Yeah," Peter says, wincing. The memory is too fresh, and just thinking about it is like its own nightmare. The rippling pain, the suffocating feeling, MJ and Aunt May's faces... He clears his throat. "Doc Ock injected something into my body. I...don't know remember what happened after. Sorry. But..." He swings his legs over the cot and stands up. His head spins, but he steadies himself. "I feel pretty great. Just a little tired."

"You'll be fine in a day," Peni pitches in, lightening the mood with some good news. "Just make sure you drink lots of water and get tons of sleep!"

"Yeah, 'course," Peter says. He notices he's still in his Spider-Man suit, which is unsurprising. He didn't actually bring anything else with him, because their meet ups are mostly spent fighting crime together in their respective cities. Now, though, he wishes he can wear anything other than his Spider-Man suit. Even those ratty sweatpants that Aunt May disapproved of. Afraid of the answer, he asks, "Are we still going crime-fighting today?"

"C'mon, Peter," Gwen scoffs. "I'm in a sling, Miles is covered in paper cuts—"

"Technically, they're not paper cuts—" Miles says.

"We've all had enough action for today," Gwen finishes, looking around at the rest of the group. Peni and Spider-Ham nod in agreement, though Spider-Noir tips the brim of his hat down to cover his face.

"I think if we ask politely, Aunt May will let us stay at her place," Miles offers. "Even though we're kind of...in her backyard already."

"Like a slumber party!" Peni says.

"With pillow forts?" Spider-Ham asks, and there's hope in his eyes.

"Yes!"

Spider-Noir tilts his head. "What's a pillow fort?"

"It's in the name!" Spider-Ham answers.

"How about you guys go up and ask May?" Gwen immediately says. "You all seem very ecstatic."

"But I still don't know what the fort pillow means—"

"We'll explain it on the way!" Peni says, grabbing Noir's arm and dragging him towards the elevator. Spider-Ham eagerly follows them up.

The trio is quiet as they watch the elevator ascend out of sight. Miles is the first to speak. "Peter...are you...okay?"

Peter snaps out of a daze. Without anybody giving him attention for the past minute, his thoughts were leading him down someplace dark in his mind. "Yeah, kid. Always am."

Everyone in the room doesn't buy it at all, and Peter knows it, but he refuses to backtrack on his word, so he continues. "We all know the motto: No matter how many times you get knocked down, you always get back up. I've done this gig a lot longer, so I've gotten used to taking a hit."

"This doesn't seem like 'a hit'," Gwen says, concern etched in her voice. She leans on one of her legs and crosses her arms—until she realizes it's in a sling and opts for sliding her good arm in there as well. "What happened?"

"It was a blur," Peter lies. "I got tossed around the room, stabbed with a syringe, and then I woke up on the cot. I mean, t-there was a little bit of pain here and there, but it's fading."

"Fading?" Miles says. "Peter, I get that you don't wanna talk about it—"

"Because nothing happened," Peter snaps firmly, a little too defensively. Miles takes a step back. Peter softens and tries again. "Nothing happened. It was a quick fight and I'll just rest easy knowing Doc Ock's away where she can't get inside m—where she can't get out." The truth slips out of his mouth, and he can't recover from it. Gwen instantly connects the dots.

"What did the serum do to your head, Peter?" she says. Her voice is barely a whisper, like she's scared. Peter's scared, too. He's scared of telling them that he's not okay. That it shook him up more than he wanted it to. That all the progress he made with MJ and his life in his world feels empty and fake. He didn't love MJ enough, and he failed her as a husband. He failed Aunt May, Uncle Ben...Why did he deserve to be here when he ruined everyone and everything around him? Where was the justice in that?

"Doc Ock is messing with your head, man," Miles says. "Whatever happened, it wasn't real."

"It _was_ real, Miles," Peter says. He's so exhausted, physically and mentally, that his chest heaves after every sentence. "Everything I saw was already there. MJ, Aunt May..."

He remembers the guilt he felt when he watched Aunt May pass. Having full control of his body and never having enough power in him to change things broke him.

"It's all right, Peter," Aunt May had said to him. Her hand was frail in his. "You did everything you could." And then she was gone.

Gwen hesitates. She glances at Miles, asking him something with her eyes. Miles nods and moves away from the two, back towards the suit display.

"I know that look on your face, Pete," Gwen says softly. "I've been wearing it for a long time. Barely three years. It only went away when I met Miles. And...you." She sniffs. "I had a Peter in my world."

Peter lifts his head to stare at her. He's surprised that Gwen has never mentioned it before, but he hears something odd about it. His stomach sinks. "Had?"

"He was my best friend," Gwen explains. "After I became Spider-Woman, our friendship...deteriorated. I barely saw him at school. I had a feeling he was having a rough time—bullying, maybe—but I didn't make an effort—I didn't do anything about it. Eventually, my Peter took it upon himself to do something. He took some chemicals and it turned him into a monster.

"He called himself the Lizard because he wanted to be a hero like me. Like Spider-Woman. But he wanted revenge on everyone who wronged him. I couldn't save him from it, so I got to watch him drown in his chemicals."

"I'm sorry, Gwen."

"That's why I can't let you just suffer through this alone," she says, and her voice is strong, determined. "I failed my Peter Parker. I won't let you do the same thing."

"It's not the same thing," Peter mumbles, but he feels defeated. He doesn't know what he wants to hear, or what the point to all this is.

"Not entirely," Gwen argues. "That serum must've brought back bad memories. Aunt May's death wasn't your fault, Peter. You can't hold yourself to your standards and expectations."

"And MJ?" Peter asks. "MJ and I split because of me. I-I can't—"

"You and MJ are fine. Remember, Pete? You went back to her and reconciled. She doesn't blame you at all," Gwen urges him. "If you keep blaming yourself for everything, it'll eat you alive." She puts a hand on his shoulder. Peter flinches, wanting to recoil from the touch, but he holds himself firm. Everything feels cold and hollow to him. "You have to let it go."

They're both silent for a moment. Peter can hear his heartbeat; it's rattling in his chest, blood is roaring in his ears. He feels small and trapped and alone, but he manages to look Gwen in the eye. "How?"

"I don't know, Pete," she tells him honestly. "But I have a feeling you'll figure it out."

"Why do you say that?"

"You're one of the strongest people I know," she admits. "And it takes courage and strength to admit you're drowning."

Gwen notices his heavy eyelids and clears her throat. "You should probably rest now. Miles and I will stay here."

"Right," Peter croaks. "Thank you. To you and Miles. For having my back."

He sits down on the coat again and slides his legs onto it. As he lies down, he can hear Gwen's footsteps receding towards the suit display, towards Miles. They talk in hushed voices for a few seconds. When Peter's eyes close, he can hear the sounds of a broom pushing glass into a dustpan, and Miles's humming of a song. It is the last thing he hears, but he remembers the quiet feeling of comfort creeping back into him before exhaustion overtakes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long lol, life has been pretty hectic
> 
> Thanks for reading my short story! :)


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